You Learn to Live Without
by Elbeen
Summary: Amelia, Meredith, and others are trying to cope with Derek's death.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: This was my take on the aftermath of Derek's death. I'm still not happy about that, btw! But we don't control the TV show. Anyway, this was 99% written before the 2-hour episode after his death so any similarities are purely coincidental (it just took me ages to post it because I'm a perfectionist so I've edited and changed things multiple times since then and finally decided it'll never be perfect so I just have to post what I have!).**

 **There are 2 "spoiler alert" type things in here: I did watch the preview of Owen telling Amelia about Derek's death (the one where it cuts off before her reaction) so for a flashback in the second chapter I did borrow the location and 1-2 lines of dialogue. And then I needed to figure out how I was going to end the fic (endings are not my strong point!) so I included Meredith's pregnancy after watching the episode.**

 **There are random voicemails/text messages included and they're separated by line segments. They just exist because the story actually started as a one-shot about Amelia and the Private Practice people, but then Owen and Zola demanded to be included and it turned into a whole new fic! So, the messages are there, and you can assume Amelia (and others) listen to them at some point, but most of them aren't really answered in the story.**

 **This is a 3-shot, and it's already fully written so I can post as often as you'd like. I'm not one of those people that says I won't post another chapter until I get a certain amount of reviews or anything like that. It depends on when I have time. Although, reviews showing that people are interested in reading more don't hurt either! haha. But seriously, constructive criticism is welcome, as are compliments or even reviews saying you didn't like it. I hope you enjoy though! :)**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, the show, or anything like that! And the title is from a song in the musical If/Then so I don't own that either!**

* * *

She dreaded every phone call she had to make to friends and family members, informing them of Derek's death, every time she had to repeat the story, and every time she had to listen to their sorrow or words of comfort. She took a deep breath, dialed the familiar number and listened to the phone ring.

"Amelia, hi! I'm so glad you called. I've been meaning to call you. I want to hear all about your rockstar surgery on Nicole Herman's tumor. I heard you were a badass."

Amelia swallowed the lump in her throat.

All Addison could hear were muffled noises. "Amelia, are you there?" She knitted her brows.

"I'm here."

"You sound weird. Is everything okay?"

"No, not really."

"What's wrong?"

"It's Derek."

"Is he still giving you a hard time? I will come to Seattle and kick his ass, if you'd like!"

"No, nothing like that. There was an accident. Derek's dead," she replied, no emotion detectable in her voice.

"What?" Addison asked in disbelief. "Wh-what happened?"

Amelia shook her head and shrugged, then realized Addison couldn't see her gestures. "He was coming back from DC. He left his position at the White House to spend more time with Meredith and the kids." She paused before continuing. "There was an accident and he saved a bunch of peoples' lives, but when he was driving away he was hit by a truck. The hospital they took him to didn't do a head CT so they missed his brain injury."

Addison inhaled sharply. "Oh my God. I can't believe it. I don't even know what to say. I never imagined something like this happening."

"I know."

"And you – how _are_ you? Are you alright?"

She sighed. "I will be, I guess."

"Do you want me to come there? I should come anyway, shouldn't I? For the funeral. He was my ex-husband, my family for 11 years, I loved him. I should be there. Is that weird though? Going to your ex-husband's funeral? I mean, he was my _ex-_ husband -"

"Addie, you're rambling."

"Sorry. What can I do?"

"I don't think there's anything anyone can do right now, but thanks anyway. I've gotta go make more phone calls, but I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Okay. Thanks for calling me. I'm here if you need to talk or anything."

"Thanks. Bye."

"Bye," Addison replied.

Amelia decided to take a break from the phone calls and went for a walk instead.

* * *

Jake walked into their bedroom to find Addison sitting on the edge of the bed, phone still in hand, staring ahead.

"You look like you just saw a ghost. What happened?"

"There was an accident. Derek is dead."

"That can't be right. Remember I read about that scam where people call and say someone was in an accident to get your to give them money?"

Addison swallowed and shook her head. "No, I just spoke to Amelia."

"Wow. I can't believe it. Is she okay?"

"I think so. I don't know." She paused, and then spoke again. "I should go there, right?"

Jake rubbed her back, soothingly. "I'll come with you. We'll look up flights in the morning."

He spoke again, seeing how distressed she looked. "Are _you_ okay?"

"First Mark, now Derek. I just – I can't –" She started to cry, and leaned into Jake.

"Shh, it's okay. It'll be okay," he spoke softly, hugging her close to him.

* * *

Amelia hadn't gotten very far on her walk when she felt her phone vibrate. It was a text from Jake. **I just heard what happened. Thanks for calling. I'm sure it was hard, but Addie really appreciated it. We'll be there as soon as we can. I'll text you the details. Let me know if there's anything I can do.**

 **Thanks.** She texted back, quickly. Short and sweet seemed to be the key to communicating lately; she wasn't really in the mood to talk to anyone.

She continued walking until she found herself on a main street in the little town near the Dream House. She stopped when she felt her phone vibrate again, signaling that she had a voicemail. As she listened to it, she glanced up at the sign on the building she was standing in front of. "Woody's Saloon," it said.

 _"Hey, Amelia. It's Kathleen. Mom's driving me crazy, asking all kinds of questions about funeral preparations. I don't know what Derek's wishes were or what Meredith is planning. I tried calling the house, but it went to voicemail. I thought you might know what's going on since you're closer. Call me when you can, or mom will probably call you soon."_

She rolled her eyes. She didn't want to deal with her family members, and she really didn't even want to think about funeral preparations. She wanted to drink. She glanced up at the sign again.

 _'My brother just died. I need a drink. It's just_ _one drink. I can handle one drink. This will not turn into a slip.'_ Amelia tried to rationalize while standing outside.

She saw a group of people come out, laughing, and she began to crave alcohol. She could taste it sliding down her throat. She imagined how good it would feel to drink enough to numb her feelings, but reminded herself that she could only have one. She knew she wasn't even supposed to have one sip, but she figured under the circumstances she'd make an exception.

Amelia swung open the door and stepped into the bar.

* * *

Violet wasn't sure if she should call as the concerned friend, who had lost her husband and could relate, or the therapist who had grief training so she went with a little bit of both. _"Hi, Amelia. I'm sorry about Derek. How are you doing? I know you guys were close so this must be tough. I think you should talk to someone. If you're looking for a good way to deal with your grief, I can give you the numbers of some support groups in your area. Or if you just want a friend to talk to, you can call me whenever you want. And don't forget to keep going to your meetings. The death of a loved one can lead to a relapse. I'm sure you know that, and I know it's not really any of my business, but I just want to make sure you're okay. Call me…or call someone, so we know you're alright."_

* * *

Amelia walked into the bar and drew in a shaky breath as she sat down at the counter. She just sat for a few minutes, thinking about Derek. She began to feel angry. Angry that her arrogant big brother, the Golden Child of the family, had to once again be the hero. _'If he hadn't stopped to save everyone else's lives, maybe he wouldn't have lost his,'_ she thought. She sighed, realizing that it was their job to save lives and she couldn't really blame him; anyone she knew, herself included, would've done the same thing. Still, she wished she could just stay angry; it seemed easier than feeling the loss.

She signaled to the bartender and ordered a drink. He placed it in front of her as she drew in a deep breath and tilted her head back. She closed her eyes and internally debated, again, if she should drink what was in front of her. It was so close now that she could smell it. Her thoughts were interrupted when she felt her phone vibrate a minute later and glanced at the called ID, figuring she'd ignore whomever it was anyway. When she saw that it was Meredith, whose calls she had already ignored twice in the past hour, she decided to answer it.

"Meredith?"

"Amelia," she sounded frazzled. "I'm sorry to bother you. You probably need some space, and even with Derek gone I promise that relying on you for childcare won't become a regular thing, but –"

"It's fine. What do you need?" she asked, hoping it was quick and she could get back to her drink. She heard a child crying in the background.

"I can't get Zola to calm down. I tried to put her to bed and she kept asking for her dad. She doesn't want me to tuck her in. Then she started asking for you. Normally I wouldn't reward her by giving her what she wants when she throws a tantrum, but considering what she's going through I just gave in and tried to reach you. She already woke Bailey up so none of us are sleeping now. Maybe you'll have better luck with her than I am."

"Okay, I'll be there in a few."

After Amelia hung up she tossed some money on the bar next to her untouched drink and headed home. She was a little relieved that Meredith's call had come before she had the chance to take a sip because she knew she wouldn't have been able to stop after just one.

Her phone vibrated again as she walked. It was a text from Owen. **Hey. I haven't seen you today so I just wanted to check in. I want to be there for you, but I don't know how. Tell me what you need and I'll be there. Call me when you can.**

She sent a quick reply. **Thank you. I'm headed home to handle something with Zola. Call you later.**

* * *

Amelia headed straight to Zola's bedroom when she got home. She found Meredith reading both of the kids a story. Zola seemed to have stopped crying, at least for the moment. She walked in when the story was over.

"See, I told you Auntie Amy would be here soon. Mommy's gonna take Bailey to his room and put him back to bed, okay? Then when you're done talking I'll come say goodnight."

Meredith thanked Amelia as she walked out of the room carrying Bailey.

"What's happening, Zo-zo? I heard you were upset before."

"Yeah, because I miss my daddy"

"I do too."

"I like when he tucks me in and is a tickle monster!"

"That sounds fun." Amelia smiled, sadly.

"You know what else, Zola?" On the walk home she had decided that sharing her story might help Zola feel less alone. "When I was a little girl, not much older than you, my daddy died too. I was sad for a long time, and it's okay for you to be sad. You can tell me or your mom or anyone else if you're feeling sad."

"But I don't want daddy to get dead anymore. I want him to come home and play tea party with me."

Tears pricked Amelia's eyes. "I know. I want him to come home too. I wish he could, but his brain was too sick."

"But you and daddy work on brains. Why can't you fix it?"

"That's a hard question. Sometimes brains are too sick to be fixed."

"Is that what happened to your daddy too?"

"No. My daddy was sick in a different part of his body."

"If your daddy is in Heaven and my daddy is in Heaven, are they playing together? Or maybe they're working?"

Amelia almost smiled at Zola's question.

"Maybe. I hope they're having fun together."

"Me too," Zola said. "But I still wish daddy was here. I miss him."

"I miss your daddy too. And my daddy. But guess what?"

Zola shook her head. "What?"

"Your dad will always love you. They're all watching over us now. I bet your Uncle Mark, Sofia's daddy, is with them too. And so is your Aunt Lexie. And you can talk to them anytime you want."

"How?"

"Just tell them whatever you want to say."

"Good night daddy! I love you to the moon and back!" She called, looking up at the ceiling. She then turned to Amelia. "Do you think he heard me?"

"I'm sure he did." She started to get choked up. "And I know he loves you to the moon and back too."

"You have tears. Are you sad because daddy's not here?"

Amelia nodded. "I am."

"When Bailey is sad I give him a hug and sometimes he stops crying." She leaned over and gave Amelia a hug. "Do you feel better?"

Amelia smiled through her tears. "That definitely helped, Zo. Thank you. Are you ready for me to send your mommy in to say goodnight?"

"Uh-huh!"

Amelia gave Zola a hug and kiss, then stood up.

"Good night, Auntie Amy. I love you!"

"Love you too, Zola. Sweet dreams."

There was a voicemail from Sheldon. Last time Amelia had heard from him, he was on a beach somewhere, so she's not sure how he even found out what happened. _Hey, Amelia. I know how tough it is to lose someone you love. I just wanted to check in and make sure you're okay. Call me back when you can."_

After telling Meredith that Zola was ready for bed, Amelia walked over to the trailer to see Owen.

* * *

She knocked on the door and he opened it right away, hoping that it would be her.

"Hey," she said, quietly.

"Hey, come on in."

She stepped inside, and he closed the door behind them.

"I don't know what to say," he began. "I can't even imagine how you must feel right now."

"I'm not even sure how to feel, I-I don't know." She shrugged and looked down.

Owen moved closer to her and put his hand on her shoulder. "Oh, you know there's no _right_ way to feel. You can talk to me, if you want. Even though we're….I don't know what we are right now, but I'm still here for you, Amy."

Her head shot up quickly, and her eyes blazed with anger. " _You_ don't get to call me Amy! Only Derek can do that. You're…I don't know what you are, but you're – I'm – I have to go."

"Amelia, wait!"

"No," she called as she exited the trailer. "We were smart to end things. This isn't gonna work out!" She quickly turned and stormed off toward the Dream House.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for the reviews, follows, and favorites! I really appreciate it and I'm going to reply to the reviews; I've just had a busy week (which is why this chapter is up later than I planned) so you can expect a reply this weekend! In this chapter, the part that's both bold and italic is a flashback. One more chapter after this. I hope you enjoy! :)**

* * *

Another text; this one was from Sam. **I've known Derek since med school. Great guy. We had such good times. I'm gonna miss my friend. I miss you too, and I hope you're okay.**

* * *

When Amelia walked in, the house was quiet so she headed up to her room. She tried to watch TV to distract herself, but it wasn't working. She heard a crash from downstairs so she got up to see what was going on.

"Mer?" She called as she got to the bottom of the staircase. "Are you okay?"

Meredith stood up from behind the kitchen island and sighed. "Yeah, I just knocked Derek's stupid muesli out of the cabinet while I was putting something away and it spilled all over."

She leaned down to scoop up a few more handfuls and throw them in the garbage.

"Why does he even have such a big box of this anyway? He's the only one who eats it! He can't even get the kids to eat it!"

Amelia grabbed a broom and dustpan from the closet and started sweeping.

"Thanks," Meredith said. After tossing another handful in the garbage she stopped and looked at Amelia. In a softer voice she admitted, "I guess there's no reason to keep this now. I-I was so frustrated with it a minute ago and now I wish I had a reason to keep it. Crazy, huh?"

"No." Amelia shook her head. "I get it." She gave a weak smile. "Why don't you go up to bed and I'll finish sweeping this."

"You sure?" Meredith wiped at her eyes.

"Yeah, it's fine."

"Thanks."

* * *

The next voicemail was from Charlotte. _"Amelia, hey. I'm so sorry about your brother. I would be there if I wasn't up to my eyeballs in dirty diapers and teething toddlers! But you're always welcome to visit us. How are you doin'? Feelin' the urge to use? Have you gotten to a meetin' lately? Sure you don't wanna come back to LA? From what I've heard, too many terrible things have happened in Seattle. Get out while you can!"_ There was a short pause. _"Sorry, I shouldn't make jokes. Call me anytime, if you need anythin'."_

* * *

Amelia hadn't cried yet. Not really. She had shed a few tears, but not the type of crying that will leave you with a headache. She was afraid if she started crying she would never stop. Too many people had been taken away from her in her life: her father, her best friend, her fiancé, her baby, Mark Sloan who she wasn't sure if she considered an honorary brother or a former lover, and now her brother. She felt like she just couldn't deal with this yet. And she shouldn't have to. Derek shouldn't have died in his 40's; he had so much of his life left to live. She sighed as she realized that could be said about so many people, both in her personal and professional lives. She thought about Dell and Pete and so many of her former patients. As a surgeon, she wanted to save everyone's life, and she was able to do that for so many people, yet when it came to her own loved ones she was powerless to do anything that would've saved their lives.

As she lay in bed tossing and turning, she was angry that the ambulance brought him to another hospital. She was angry that the surgeons weren't trained well enough. She was angry that they didn't think to do a head CT. It was so frustrating to think that if he had just been brought to Grey-Sloan Memorial, she could have saved her own brother's life. He could still be alive. She could have saved everyone from the pain they were going through dealing with his death.

"Ugh!" she grunted, and then put the pillow over her head, closing her eyes, irrationally hoping that somehow it would stop all the thoughts in her brain.

* * *

Amelia opened her eyes when she heard a knock on the door.

"Amelia?" Meredith called, softly.

"Come in," Amelia replied, taking the pillow off her head.

Meredith walked in, closing the door behind her. "Sorry, I didn't want to wake you."

"Don't worry, I'm not sleeping much anyway."

"I know the feeling." She sighed and sat on the edge of the bed.

Amelia repositioned herself so she was sitting up too. "What's going on?"

"I-I can't help but think…" She closed her eyes for a minute, and then opened them. "It's just something has been bothering me all day, and usually Derek is the only person I'd talk to about something like this, but I can't. Maybe I would talk to Cristina, but there's the time difference and she might be flying in and I can't bother her right now."

"Well, you can talk to me. I've got nothing better to do for the rest of the night."

"I'm afraid I'm going to become Ellis." She bit her lip.

Amelia creased her brows. "What do you mean?"

"My mother was never there for me growing up. Work always came first. Derek and I had a good balance, but without him what am I going to do? I have to be both mother and father to my children now, and I have to work just as hard as ever. I don't know if I can do it."

"You can. It might be tough, but you'll make it work somehow. I'm sure you will, because you want to and you care enough about the kids that you're already thinking about this. We can all help out with childcare sometimes so they won't feel like they're being sent to daycare all the time."

"Thanks. It's not just that though. I wasn't sent to daycare often. I had great nannies. But they didn't replace my mother. I was well taken care of, but I didn't feel important to her. The kids will notice if I'm not with them. I don't want to give up my job, but I don't want to miss important things in their lives. I don't want them to feel about me the way I felt about Ellis." Her eyes welled up with tears. "This must sound so silly to you."

"No, I understand. You're trying to do what's right for them and for you. You don't want to become your mother." Amelia gave a small laugh. "I don't want to become my mother either!"

Meredith tried to smile, but ended up crying instead. "I just miss Derek. I want him to come back. He promised me forever. He told me to wait for him. He said he'd be back. This wasn't supposed to happen!"

A few tears ran down Amelia's face. "I know."

"I'm sorry," Meredith said when she looked at her sister-in-law. "I'm acting like I'm the only one who's upset when you just lost your brother."

Amelia swallowed and shook her head. "No, I get it." She crawled closer to Meredith and hugged her. "Zola told me earlier that hugging someone would probably make them feel better. She's a smart girl."

Meredith tried to smile at hearing her daughter's comment. They sat in silence for a few minutes.

Amelia rubbed Meredith's arm. "You are not going to become Ellis Grey. Your kids love you so much and that's not gonna change."

"Thank you," Meredith choked out and gave her sister-in-law another hug. She drew in a deep breath. "I think I'm going to try to get some sleep."

"Sounds good. I guess I should too. Good night."

"Good night."

* * *

The next morning Amelia texted her sister Kathleen, just so their mother wouldn't call her. **I don't know about the arrangements yet. Meredith is going to the funeral home later today so I'll fill you in when I have info.**

She sighed, realizing that Owen hadn't tried to call or text her since she yelled at him the day before. She thought he would've at least sent her a text this morning.

* * *

Later that day Amelia was sitting on the couch, trying to read a medical journal but not really concentrating on it, when she heard the doorbell ring. She groaned internally, hoping it was just the UPS guy or something. She had been trying to avoid most of her friends and colleagues for a while because she was tired of dealing with their mix of sorrow and sympathy. She didn't mean to push them away, especially during a time when everyone would tell her that she should be leaning on them, but it was just easier being alone.

She was slightly surprised when she opened the door and found Arizona Robbins standing there.

"Hi," she said.

"Hey. Sorry, Meredith's not here. She went to the funeral home to figure things out while the kids are napping."

"Oh, that's okay. I was actually hoping to talk to you for a few minutes."

"Me?" Amelia asked, incredulously. "Why? Did something come up with Herman?"

"What? No. I haven't spoken to her in a few days, but last I heard she was adjusting as well as possible, I guess."

There was a moment of awkward silence.

"So, um…come on in. Do you want anything?"

"I'll just have some water."

They walked into the kitchen and Arizona sat on one of the stools by the island. Amelia poured them both glasses of water and then joined her.

"So…" Amelia started.

"What am I doing here?" Arizona laughed.

"Well, I might've said it a little nicer that that!" Amelia smiled.

"I just – I felt like I should reach out to you. You seemed so composed at the hospital yesterday, but I know the pain of losing a brother, especially one you're close to."

Amelia tilted her head and raised her brows in confusion.

"Tim was in the Army. He died in Iraq."

"Wow. I'm sorry. That really sucks."

"Thanks. Yeah, it does, but it's life I guess." She shrugged. "So," she continued, "I just wanted you to know I'm here if you need someone to talk to or whatever. Everyone is mostly focused on Meredith, obviously since she was his wife, but we're all grieving for our friend. And you, for your brother. I wanted to make sure you weren't overlooked. But you seem like kind of a private person so I wasn't sure if I should remind everyone of how awful you're probably feeling, and that's when I decided I'd just stop by on my own."

"Well, thank you for that. I guess I'm doing okay. At least as okay as I can be right now."

Arizona nodded.

They both ignored the phone that was ringing as Amelia spoke, until the recording began to play and they heard Derek's voice. _"You've reached the Shepherds – Dr. Derek Shepherd, Dr. Meredith Grey, Zola, and Bailey. We can't come to the phone right now so leave a message after the beep."_

Arizona watched as the color drained from Amelia's face. Hearing his voice was something she hadn't been prepared for.

Amelia took a sip of water. "Why don't people leave a damn message?! If you're going to listen to the whole recording, just leave a freakin' message! It's not that hard!" She nearly shouted.

As she tried to calm her breathing, tears came to her eyes.

She sighed. "I'm sorry," she started. "I don't know why I got so angry. I just – " She shook her head and started again. "I just…" she trailed off and looked down at her hands.

Arizona reached over and squeezed her hand. "It's okay. You're a grieving sister. You should've seen me after Tim's death." She gave a small smile.

Amelia tried to match her smile. "Thank you for coming over. I appreciate it." She gave a small laugh. "I know Derek would be happy that someone's looking out for me. He felt like that was his job!"

Arizona smiled. "Anytime. He was just being a big brother." She paused and then spoke again. "Seriously, you're a cool person to spend time with and anytime you wanna talk…or not talk…or look at brain tumors…you can call me."

* * *

 _"Hey, Addison, it's Savvy. I know we haven't even spoken in a few months, and I'm sorry about that, it's been so crazy here. Weiss called me from work saying that a colleague heard that Derek died. I know you guys are divorced, but you're friends. We keep in touch with Derek too, but like I said, it's been a little busy so I haven't spoken to him recently either. What's going on? Weiss' colleague has to be wrong, right? Derek Shepherd cannot be dead. Oh my God, what if he's right though? Oh, Addie, I'm so sorry. Call me when you can. We love you."_

* * *

Soon after Arizona left, Meredith came home.

"How did it go?" Amelia asked.

"Oh, you know."

"Yeah."

"How were the kids?"

"Good. They slept for a while and we just had a tea party."

Meredith managed a small smile. Then she sighed. "I guess I should make a few phone calls and inform people about the arrangements."

"Do you need me to keep the kids busy for a while?"

"Nah, we'll be fine. Thanks."

"Okay, I'm gonna go out then."

"Sure. See you later."

* * *

 ** _"Okay, who died?"_**

 ** _"Derek. Derek is dead."_**

 ** _She knew he was telling the truth, but she didn't want to believe it._**

 ** _"That's not funny. Why would you even say that? I can't believe you!"_**

 ** _"I'm serious," he replied._**

 ** _She just stared at him for a second, then threw down her surgical mask, turned on her heels, and slammed the door to the scrub room behind her as she left._**

 ** _"Amelia!" he called after her._**

 ** _"I'm fine," she called back._**

 ** _As she walked into the hallway it felt like everything around her was a blur. She heard people talking, but couldn't hear what they were saying. She made it to her office, closed the door, and leaned against it as she stopped to control her breathing._**

 ** _Owen knocked on the door._**

 ** _"Go away," she replied, evenly._**

 ** _"Just let me in."_**

 ** _"I said go away, Owen!"_**

 ** _"Come on. At least let me drive you home."_**

 ** _She sighed and closed her eyes. She desperately wanted space from him, but knew she wasn't in the best shape to drive._**

 ** _She opened the door in defeat. "Fine."_**

 ** _When the car started moving she spoke, emotionlessly, "How?"_**

 ** _He explained to her everything that Meredith had told him. Afterwards he said sympathetically, "Amelia...I'm so sorry. I-"_**

 ** _"I don't want to talk," she cut him off. "I just needed a ride home"_**

 ** _He nodded and tried to allow her whatever she needed._**

 ** _She remained stoic and silent during the rest of the drive._**

 ** _"Thank you," she said, sincerely, when they pulled up in front of the Dream House._**

 ** _"Can I do anything?" he asked her._**

 ** _She shook her head, closed the car door, and went inside._**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: This is the last chapter of this story. Thank you so much for reading! I hope you liked it. Feel free to let me know what you liked or didn't like in the comments. And if you have any ideas of something else you'd like me to write, I'm open to suggestions!**

* * *

Amelia approached Owen's trailer and knocked softly on the door. She saw his car so she knew he was home.

"Hey," he greeted, casually, as he opened the door.

"Hi," she said, sheepishly, "Can I come in for a minute?"

"Sure," he said and swept his arm as if to say 'come on in.'

They stood not too far from the doorway.

Amelia spoke first. "I need to apologize. I acted totally irrationally yesterday and I shouldn't have gotten angry. You didn't do anything wrong."

"No, I understand," Owen countered. "You're grieving. I didn't realize what I did, but I see why it upset you, and that's the last thing I wanted to do."

"I didn't – I don't – want to feel anything. I thought about drinking, and I was very close to actually taking a drink, but I got interrupted. And I'm kind of relieved that I didn't get to take even a sip," she admitted.

Owen ran his hand through his hair. "Do you need to go to a meeting? Do you want me to come with you?"

She shook her head. "I'll go to one soon, but I'm fine for right now. I'm just staying away from anything that might tempt me. I just don't know what else to do to stop feeling. Distractions aren't working."

He nodded. "I know you don't want to feel anything, but I think you need to feel the pain now in order to move on. Otherwise you'll never get past this."

She took a deep breath, nodded, and looked at the floor. "It hurts. Everyone I love dies. We were right to end things between us before they went too far or you'd probably be the next one dead!"

He knew she was using her dark sense of humor to cover up the hurt she was feeling.

"I know it seems that way, and it's not fair, but not everyone you love will die prematurely."

She nodded again. "I just feel so alone sometimes."

"You're not alone."

"I know. It's just hard to…" she trailed off as she felt the tears coming and she couldn't stop them. "Derek has been there for me my whole life. He helped me every time I screwed up. He's been there to cheer me on when I succeeded. I don't know what it's like to live without him, and I didn't want to know."

Owen wasn't sure if he should comfort her or give her space. He stood back for a minute, until her crying escalated. This was the first time she had really cried since she learned of her brother's death. She sunk to her knees.

Owen walked forward and enveloped her in a hug. Amelia began to sob into his shoulder.

"It's okay. It's okay to cry and to feel. It's normal for you to be feeling this way now."

"I know," Amelia managed to squeak out.

"I know you know that logically, but emotionally I don't think you're allowing it in yourself."

She nodded, then pulled back and wiped at her eyes. "I don't need to be a mess right now."

"You're not a mess. You're –" Owen stopped himself.

"I'm what?" Amelia asked.

"I was going to say you're beautiful, even when you're sad, but it's not the right time to say things like that."

"Owen –"

"I know. We're just friends."

She nodded. "For the time being, at least, it's better this way."

"I understand."

They sat there a little longer, and then Amelia composed herself.

"I'm sorry about this." She gestured to the tears on her face.

"You have nothing to apologize for."

"I should get back and help Meredith make phone calls."

"Alright. I'll be here if you need me. Seriously. Don't keep everything bottled up."

"Got it, Chief!" she joked. "And, thank you."

* * *

Meredith saw that she had a voicemail and pressed play. She was slightly surprised when she heard the voice on the other end. _"Hi Meredith, it's Addison. I heard about Derek and I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry. He was a great guy, and he really loved you and the kids. He talked about them every time we spoke. I heard he was leaving his job in DC for you. That's big. I could barely get him to come home from his job that was like 20 blocks away in New York. So I know he really loved you. Jake and I are flying in tomorrow, to be there for Amelia. I hope that's okay with you. I was worried it might be awkward, but Amelia's like a sister to me so I couldn't even consider not coming. I guess I'll see you soon. Let me know if you need anything."_

* * *

A few weeks later, Amelia walked into the house after work.

"I ordered a pizza for dinner," Meredith said, as she entered the room.

"Sounds good," Amelia replied. She looked around. "Where are the kids?"

"In the playroom, watching _Frozen_ for the umpteenth time."

Amelia smiled. "I guess they just can't let it go!" she joked.

Meredith half-smiled and sat down.

"Did you get the chart I asked Edwards to bring you?" Amelia asked, after getting no response to her _Frozen_ joke. "I thought you might be interested in the case."

Meredith kept staring ahead.

"Meredith? Did you hear me?"

"What?" She snapped back to reality. "Yeah, the patient…um…I glanced at it and put it on my desk for tomorrow."

"Everything okay?" Amelia questioned, looking skeptical. She caught herself as soon as she finished speaking. "I mean, you know, aside from the obvious."

Meredith bit her lip and looked down, then back up at her sister-in-law.

"Is this about me living here now that Derek's gone? I know I probably should have asked if it was okay that I stay and I should've apologized for telling you that you don't know what it's like to lose the love of your life. Obviously I had no idea Derek was going to die soon, but I still felt pretty crappy about it. And I know I was _his_ sister, not _yours._ If you want me to leave, I get it. Or if you want me to pay rent, I will. I can start looking for a place though –"

"Amelia, no, I didn't even consider asking you to move! You might not be my biological sister, but you're family. The kids love having you here, and you probably help keep me sane too."

"Thanks. You're part of our family now too and I love having the kids around." She thought for a minute. "So, if this isn't about me moving then what's wrong? It seems like there's something you need to talk about, but don't want to say."

"I'm, uh…I'm pregnant." Tears sprang to her eyes as she said it aloud for the first time, and she didn't know if she felt happy or sad at the moment.

"Seriously? Oh my God, congratulations…I think…it's obviously not the best timing…wow." She was shocked.

She sat down at the table with Meredith as she thought about the situation more. "Derek would've been so happy."

"Yeah."

The doorbell rang.

"I've got it." Meredith jumped up.

"Zola, Bailey, pizza's here!" Amelia called.

"But Elsa is still singin' Let It Go!" Zola protested.

Amelia laughed. "I'll come pause the movie for you."

As Meredith and Amelia set the table, the doorbell rang again.

"I'll finish cutting their pizza, you get the door," Amelia instructed.

Meredith nodded and opened the door.

"Alex?" she said, surprised to see him. "What are you doing here?"

"Jo's working late so I figured I'd come see how you guys are doing. And I brought ice cream." He held up the bag as he spoke.

"Well, you can come in then!" Meredith joked. "Want some pizza?"

"What kind of a question is that?" quipped Alex. "Of course I want pizza!"

They all sat down to eat.

"Do you think daddy eats pizza in Heaven?" Zola asked.

Meredith wasn't even sure if she believed in Heaven, but Derek's family was Catholic and it gave a more pleasant image of the afterlife, especially for the children. And she did believe in some type of afterlife, since she had seen Denny, Bonnie, Dylan, Doc, and her mother when she'd drowned after the ferry crash.

"Yes, I think he can eat all the pizza he wants," Meredith answered.

Zola smiled, then tilted her head up and said, "Daddy, look, I'm eating the crust because it's your favorite part!" Then she turned her head and smiled at her aunt.

Amelia smiled back. This was her "new normal" for right now, and she was going to make the best of it.

* * *

 ** _Derek looked over the edge of the ferry and smiled to himself. Everything in his life was going so well. His kids were doing well. He and his wife were finally done fighting, and they were even thinking about another baby. Finally, after traveling back and forth across the country for so long, he was going to be able to enjoy any free time he had in Seattle. He planned to spend as much time as he could with his family before the kids grew up too quickly. Maybe he'd even get to go fishing, which he hadn't had time to do in a while. He decided to make some quick phone calls before his short trip to Washington DC._**

 _"Hey, Amy. I'm on the ferry. Seattle looks so beautiful from here. I forgot to tell you that I put some notes on your desk for the new case coming in today. We're gonna be an unstoppable neuro team when I get back from DC! I'm really looking forward to being back home for good. Anyway, I'll see you in a few days. Love ya, sis."_

 _"Meredith, hi, I'm on the ferry. I didn't get to talk to you before I left this morning so I just thought I'd call and say good morning. Sometimes I forget how much I love ferryboats, but when the weather is as perfect as it is today I can't imagine any place I'd rather be. Except home with you! I can't wait to get back from DC and spend all my free time with you and the kids. I'll call you tonight. Have a great day. I love you."_


End file.
